Outrage mob finds unlikely target

Dan Hammes — St. Maries Gazette Record
Wednesday, September 18, 2019

So, most people would agree, this is kinda’ funny.

Most people — just not everyone.

The Outrage Mob, of which there are seemingly more members every day, refuses to laugh. Instead, they’re boiling mad. But then, mad is what the Outrage Mob does.

The question is whether the Outrage Mob is always so mad, or do they only get that way when reporters are in the vicinity?

Nobody knows for certain. Most people think it would require too much energy for the Outrage Mob to stay so angry all the time. It’s a puzzler for sure, along the lines of noise and trees falling in forests. But we’re off track, back to the story behind the newest outrage.

A guy walks into Starbucks. He orders a drink. As is the custom at Starbucks, the barista asks him his name. The barista then writes the name on the cup as a way to keep track of which drink belongs to which customer.

So far, so good, nothing to rage about here.

Now would be a really good place to explain the guy who ordered the drink is Muslim. His name is Johnson. Except instead of giving the barista that name — which even a newspaper guy could spell pretty darn close — he gave her his Muslim name.

His Muslim name is Aziz. It is pronounced “ah-zeez.”

The barista wrote ISIS on the cup.

At this point, you just gotta’ smile. Maybe even giggle. C’mon. This is funny.

Except the Outrage Mob never giggle. They’re mad as hell. Again. This time they are certain Starbucks is the “Islamophobic” coffee place. Mr. Aziz is mad too. He is so mad he may sue — but only if a lawyer will take it on contingency and he can get on television to talk about just how much his feelings really, really hurt.

If you think this is really stupid, you’re smart.

This did not happen on purpose. Even if the barista did hear Mr. Aziz, she just screwed up. A lot of people don’t spell so well. Ask any teacher.

Our bet is she didn’t hear what he said. It’s no wonder. With all the noise cash registers make in a Starbucks, it’s hard to hear anything. It is, after all, how Howard Schultz got rich enough to maybe, possibly, I-just-might run for president. On second thought, forget about it.

Selling millions of cups of 10 (cent) coffee for $5 really adds up.

But what makes this entire episode especially delicious is it happened at Starbucks. These are the people who are so much better than the rest of us. They write “race together” on cups. They ban plastic straws. They hire refugees instead of Americans.

Oh sure, there was that little incident — in the same city where this happened no less — where two black men were arrested at Starbucks because they didn’t buy anything.

But even then, Starbucks showed just how much better they are than everyone else. They closed every U.S. store for “racial bias” education.

Now, it would have been a lot cheaper to explain to the idiot manager who caused the arrests not to be an idiot. Cheaper — but then they couldn’t have preened.

In the end, we’re confident Mr. Aziz will recover. Given time, his feelings can mend. We may be going out on a limb here, but despite the wailings of the Outrage Mob, there is no chance Mr. Azis will be caned anytime soon.

The lesson here is if the Outrage Mob has to look to coffee cups to discover “Islamaphobia,” we’re doing pretty good in this country.